They all pile up and I sit here crying. I’m not crying because I’m overwhelmed, however that would be easy enough. I’m crying because my heart is breaking for a loved one losing a parent. I’m crying because I am overjoyed that I have a family that I love and loves me. I’m crying because I am thankful for God’s love, mercy and GRACE with all of us. They are happy tears and tears of great sorrow.
Let’s start with grief. As I have said many times, when my grandmother passed it was devastating to me. It wasn’t immediate, it was a slow process of realizing what a great loss I had just suffered. Don’t get me wrong, I was pretty devastated when it happened but it took a while to grasp the hole she left. Now everyday when I think about something I want to do, I think about her and what I am missing by not being able to talk to her. I miss her more and more as I get older. I thought that I would always have her around to ask “those questions”, to have “those conversations”, to go to “those places”….the list goes on. However, she left abruptly. One minute here, the next minute gone. I’m not mad or angry about that, I am happy for her. I think of her most when I’m in the kitchen preparing to make something that I have never made before. She was my “go to” when I wasn’t sure. This isn’t just for cooking but for everything. Grief for someone this close, you do not “get over”; you find a new normal. You continue to go on, one step in front of the other; one day at a time (shoot one hour at a time some days). Days will be hard and days will be good but it’s ok. It is ok to CRY. It is ok to have fun. One thing that was hard for me was, “how could I have fun when I am in so much pain inside, it’s not fair to her memory”. Let me say to that: Yes, it is ok to have fun. Your loved one would not want you sitting around sad. They would want you to enjoy life and live it to the fullest.
I am sure you have that person in your life. To you, I say…don’t wait. I know it’s clique but it’s true. One day you will wish you had just one more minute, hour, day with them. Don’t wait to talk it out. Don’t wait to go on that adventure. Don’t wait to “bake that cake” together. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just being together is perfect enough.
Tears of thankfulness: God has been so good to me and my family. Yes, we have had mountains and valleys and valleys and mountains. God has never promised that our days would always be 70, sunshine with a light breeze. He has said there would be storms. He has promised He would never leave us during those storms. He is our strong tower, fortress we can run to and are safe. “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; The righteous run to it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10 So for all of that I am thankful. In just the few past years, I have faced battles that I never dreamed I would. It has been some dark, scary days but I have always known God was my light at the end of the tunnel. He was the one holding my hand. He was always whispering in my ear; “I love you.”, “You are enough.”, “I am with you.”, “I am all you need, trust in me.”!! He has never failed me and I know He NEVER will. So for that, there are tears of joy and appreciation. My spirit cries out because I am thankful. I feel blessed even though I am going through a storm of my own. Even if He never does another thing for me, or never blesses me again….I will be thankful for what He has already done. I also have faith that if He did it before He will do it again.
How about you? Have you reflected lately on what God has given you? Have you thanked Him for His goodness? For His mercy? For His grace?
I sit and re-read some of my blogs and am in awe at some of the things I have written. At times I cry because my own words speak life to me. I think to myself, “did I write that?”. The answer is yes and no. Yes, my fingers typed it but God is the one that put it in my heart and mind to come out of those fingers. For this, I am thankful.
Some say that crying is a bad thing, it shows weakness. I am not one that likes to cry in public. I don’t like to cry in front of others. To everyone out there who feels the same, it is ok. Tears have different meanings. Crying can be refreshing to the soul. God knows the tears we cry. They are not in vain. God is always there for each of us, working for our good. I would encourage you to read Psalm 56, I personally love the whole chapter. Here is a part that speaks to this, “You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? When I cry out to You, Then my enemies will turn back; This I know, because God is for me.” Psalm 56:8 & 9. Try to drop the “strong” act and just have a good cry, it can be refreshing.
To those of you facing grief, I say give it to God. He will help you through it. He will help you navigate your new normal. To those of you crying everyday because your world is broken, reach out to God and be open to the plan He has for your life. He is closer than a call away. He is just one shout away. If you feel like you can’t shout, that’s ok too….He hears our heart. Just open up to Him. I encourage you to read Psalm 121. It confirms He is always right there. He does not slumber or sleep.
Other scriptures to reflect on and let God speak to you through them:
“Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy.” John 16:20 NKJV
“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4 NKJV
“The eyes of the Lard are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their cry.” Psalm 34:15 NKJV
“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.” Psalm 34: 17-18 NKJV